Loss is a peculiar thing. It pops up at the most unexpected times in the most unexpected ways. Almost two and half years ago, I lost a dear friend to a sudden heart attack brought on by a change of diabetes prescriptions. Every so often she comes to mind and I think, “Cheryl would really love to be a part of this moment.” But instead of being sad like I used to be, I tend to be happy when she floats through my memory now. She was a truly beautiful person on earth, and I can’t even imagine how knock-out gorgeous (by way of her soul of course) she must be in heaven.
Another kind of loss reared its head today. Another lost relationship, but this person still walks around on this earth, a bit too geographically close for my own personal comfort, to be honest. This loss still makes me sad though. Not because I want the person back, but because of the things I relinquished in order to nurture the relationship I had with them. I lost the trust and respect of others because of how I handled certain things. I lost closeness with people who had been dear to me for years. I lost a measure of self-respect which I’m still trying to regain. I lost invaluable time which I could have used pursuing God’s heart for my life. I lost parts of myself that I didn’t even know were capable of disappearing. I lost a tremendous amount of tears and energy and PEACE (something I usually have in spades) trying to do things my own way rather than God’s way.
I was clearing out my overflowing trash folder in my email this evening and tripped over something I wrote during the course of this lost relationship. It hurt to read over it because it was a reminder of how blind I had actually been about the situation, how highly I had esteemed someone who wasn’t at all who I thought they were nor who truly tried to fit the profile of who I believed they could become.
Tonight, I’m praying to regain some of what I’ve lost, though I know not all of it is available to reclaim. I’m praying for the opportunity to one day meet the person who truly personifies the best parts of what I wrote in hopes for someone else. And I’m praying for healing where restoration isn’t possible, for the ability to let my loss be just that and to move forward into whatever God has for me next.
Most of all, I’m praying for the willful obedience to hear and follow His voice the next time He tries to speak to me regarding an important decision, so that I can avoid these types of losses in the future and instead bring gain to His Kingdom.